rowed k2 with yen today.

sucked.

i feel like shit. i made her feel bad, i made her cry, and i wasn't good enough to balance the bloody boat.

kept as many times as we did when chee and i first started out rowing k2.

jiaolian doesn't even want to look at us.

i wonder how long it'll take before i'm good enough.
9:15 PM "when life throws you lemons, make lemonade"

the person who said this must have been very brave. was doing physics and chem tutorials yesterday when i realised that i'm really lagging behind in my studies. yes so i do all my work on time, but so what? it's like doing tutorials with reference to notes, which is like completely pointless because nothing goes into my head. work energy and power for physics got me really really down, and when i flipped open the math notes on summation i knew i had so much to revise.

and today.

i don't think i expected the results, and it was more than disappointment. for awhile it felt as though i didn't know what to do anymore. went by training with a smile on my face and a completely empty heart because inside me there was this huge sense of dejection. i know chee was trying not to touch on the subject, which reminded me of that time i got into osl and she didn't. it was that awkwardness of not knowing what to say and knowing that you're better off not saying anything.

life sucks like that.

but at the end of training i made up my mind that i shouldn't let this affect me so much like it already has. initially it felt like a slap on the face. actually i even had a dream about it but nevermind that's besides the point. anyway when training ended i made up my mind to focus my all on my studies from now on, which is easier said than done because it's now so hard to motivate myself. i know when i go down on wednesday training i'll be asking myself what i'm there for, and that sucks because i shouldn't ever be thinking that. i should never let such a small thing affect me, and row for chee because that's what matters in the end. but when something you want badly gets taken away it's naturally difficult to bring yourself to find motivation to do anything else.

when training ended i couldn't bring myself to talk to anyone as per normal. kenneth and quanwei walked ahead of me the whole time to the mrt, and i had to pretend i was just tired. even when the rest of the team came around i came up with some crap about worrying for scholarships. actually i am pretty worried about that but that's not the main point. okay whatever i do care about my scholarship and my white slips and everything. i think the whole world sees me as someone who doesn't give two shits about things like this but i really do.

okay whatever i'm just depressed. and h didn't help today. all of a sudden it felt as though i couldn't click with him and i didn't knew what to say to him. i don't think it's going to go anywhere. actually that was why i wasn't very pleased with kenneth telling stuart about him. i'm afraid that h'll find out, and i'm also afraid that nothing will happen in the end.

okay i'm like thinking too much. i can blog once in a mth here and it'll still help. i'm a rather sad girl today. 7pm was a good time to emo esp with the dark clouds. tmr is b&j day. tmr will be better.
8:51 PM i guess i'm here because i'm tired of always keeping an exhibition-blog. sometimes it's good to have a place to turn to.

and i'm seriously annoyed with all the talking that's going on. maybe to them it doesn't matter how an occasional gossip can be, maybe it's fun when they're rowing in their boats and there's nothing else to talk about. i just don't know why they have nothing better to do than to spread it and to talk about it like nothing's wrong, and things just keep blowing bigger and bigger without getting better.

after hearing it from j i've realised that i should just keep my distance, which i did, but even people like s came along and added a few lines. it's not funny and i have no idea why they keep doing it. there's nothing going on to show anything.

i know i made a mistake, and right now i have to wait it out. and i wish they will stop adding fuel to fire, because no matter what it hurts to have people talking about you like that.

i know why i mind so much, because deep down i wanted that place. i know that x will definitely definitely get it, and right now it sucks because i cannot prove to them that i deserve a place. all this nonsense just because of a mistake and a million gossips from then on.

right now i shall just train my hardest not to let c down. with the rest of the team coming in we need to work harder than ever to prove to jl that we deserve a place somewhere. i'm gonna focus on that and studies. have been studying the past 2 days.
9:35 PM